Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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