Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
