Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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