I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
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