Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
