i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
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