Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
