yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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