you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
