He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
