was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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