you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
