if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
