I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
