are you still at the devil's house?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
