alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
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