he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
