I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
we're so committed to being not committed
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