Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
