When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
