grandma shit on top of the toilet
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
