just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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