I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
