Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
