Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
