i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
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