he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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