I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
