Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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