so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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