Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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