Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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