I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
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