it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
