But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
