girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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