Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
im six kinds of drunk right now
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
