1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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