If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
