I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
