the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
