theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
