just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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