wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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