I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
