you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
