so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
