I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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