sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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