My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
